Friday, 15 August 2014
Fighting Myself and the Impact on my Children #MentalHealth
I have spent far too much of my 26 years fighting. Fighting myself.
Fighting clinical depression.
Fighting post-natal depression.
Fighting post traumatic stress disorder.
Fighting self-harming behaviour.
Fighting anorexia nervosa.
I need a day of respite. One whole day to myself, without any intrusion from myself. Just accepting myself as myself.
But, this isn't going to stop. It never will stop. Day after day, year after year, decade after decade, it will carry on and on.
I'm gradually accepting that.
I have to keep on fighting, indefinitely, and that's fine. I've become accustomed to it. I have my ways of coping and, when I can't cope, there are people around me that know my 'signs.' People that pick me up and hold me up until I can do it myself again.
But...what impact will that have on my children?
What if they get caught up in my fighting?
What if I've passed something onto them, genetically or otherwise?
What if they have to spend their whole lives fighting too?
What happens when they start asking why Mummy has scars?
What happens when they start asking why Mummy has 'down days'?
What happens when they start asking why Mummy doesn't eat much?
What do I say to them then? Do I tell them I'm fighting?
Do I tell them the truth? And what impact would that have on them?